As I mentioned before, I’ve gained 10 pounds over the last few months. Mind you, I’m 5 foot nothing, so that weight doesn’t have much place to go. After dropping to an all time low of 84 lbs, I finally realized I needed to do something to make my body healthy again. I haven’t had periods now for almost 4 years, secondary to low fat content. Now that I’m married, my husband and I talk about family planning. Ovulating and having a normal menstrual cycle is the way a woman’s body says that it is prepared to carry a baby. That being said, it’s crucial for me to gain weight. Okay, that’s the back-story. Along with my post now…
This past weekend one of my girlfriends had an engagement party for her and her new fiancé (picture on the right is from the weekend). After college, my friends scattered all over the Midwest, so we don’t get to see each other as frequently as we used to. While I was excited to see everyone, it would be the first time since my weight gain; I was nervous they would think I looked huge. “Huge” is such a dramatization. I’m not fat by any means, but in my own words, I’m “fatter than I was.” I’m still tiny and petite, but I feel like a balloon. In my mind, it wouldn’t be as terrible if I warned them first. Literally, I texted each of my friends separately and told them I gained weight and that I was not pregnant. I wanted to address it myself, so I didn’t have to worry about someone asking me. Not that they would. And they may not even have noticed. But I obsessed over this.
I was self conscious for them to see me. But why? These are my best friends and previous roommates. They’re the ones who have seen me at my worst. They’ve seen me ugly face cry about stupid stuff. They’ve seen me post-gym, sweaty with no make-up on. They know most of the details of my life, and they still love me. We all got to the party early, looking like scrubs, so we could decorate. Everyone else got ready before I did because I was finishing up some of the decorations. I changed and primped in the bathroom, nervous to exit. Not joking, my friends were awesome. Everyone complimented me on how good I looked. And they weren’t just generic compliments but specific ones. I had a 30 second heart-to-heart with one of my previous roommates who went out of her way to tell me how great I looked and that this was the best I looked in a while. I love my friends; they’re the best.
There’s some sort of mind battle that goes along with weight gain. I’m not talking about those who are overweight and gain but those who need to gain weight. I needed it, but do I love it? No. Do I hate it? Yes. Is it a struggle that goes through my head daily? To some extent, yes. I’ve been praying about this over and over again the last couple of weeks. I don’t want my focus to be on my weight. I want it to be on God’s will for my life. I want to focus on being a Proverbs 31 wife. I don’t want satan to attack me where I’m weak. But, he’s the devil, so of course he will TRY.
For those of you who have experienced similar struggles, I pray your eyes are opened to God’s unfailing love. Realizing He looks at your heart, not your outward appearance, may take some time, but it is so worth it (1 Samuel 16:7). Combat satan’s lies with God’s truth. Quit comparing how much you weighed yesterday to your weight now. And by all means, stop comparing yourself to how you “used to be”. We’re not Napoleon’s Uncle Rico who can’t get past his high school football days. Living in the past is just ridiculous. Every day we should be bettering ourselves and creating a stronger relationship with God. Think about it that way.
This is the end of my sappy post.